The Painting

As I slowly opened my eyes, I could feel rough sand on my body. The smell of salt confused me for a bit. I remembered fractions of what happened, as if it were a dream. The waves pounded and pounded against the shore. I stood up and took a quick glance. Where was I? How did I get here? I tried connecting the pieces that I could vaguely remember. My clothes were all torn up, my right shoe was missing and for some reason I had no shirt. All I could see around me was water, sand and palm trees. I sat down to think and try to remember. Reconnecting my memories, the last thing I could recall was being on a cruise, I was headed to the Bahamas. Slowly scenes came back to my head, the sea had turned against us, as huge 30 feet waves struck our cruise. I began to scream hysterically as the memories slowly ran through my head, reliving the experience again. As the waves crashed the cruise, I heard a loud noise coming from the sea. As I peaked out the window I could not believe my eyes. Enormous 20 foot long tentacles began to wrap around the cruise. That’s the last I could remember, next thing I know I woke up in the middle of the beach.

“I’m not sure what monstrous thing is in the ocean, but I am not going back there, I need to get as far away as possible from the sea”, I said to myself, as I stood up and ran away from the water. I was so confused and delusional, I could not distinguish reality. The heat was exhausting. My throat was dry. I ventured into the island in search of water. The deeper I ventured in the jungle, the more paranoid I grew. I could hear noises in between the trees, and something move in between the bushes. I ran faster, but without any direction, I was just running in circles inside the jungle. Suddenly I stopped, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and listened. Far away I could hear the sound of water falling. I opened my eyes with joy, and wasted my last amount of energy running toward the water falls. As I got closer, more memories came back to haunt me. The memories of what had happened were so vivid, so real that I could not distinguish if I had dreamed it, or it had really happened. I stumbled upon some palm trees, as I saw the spring. I looked at my reflection in the water, my hair and beard had grown as if a month had past. I looked skinny and exhausted. Slowly I reached to touch my reflection, when I noticed something in the bottom. At the very bottom of the spring, I could see something shine. As I stepped into the water, my whole scenario shifted. Again I opened my eyes, and there I was. Laying in my bed. The sun was shining on my face. “Wait a second”, I said to myself. This is not my bed. I looked out the window and all I could see was water. I was back on the cruise!  I looked around the room, and a painting caught my attention, it looked very familiar, as if I lived it. There was silence for a moment, while I was staring at the painting, then suddenly the cruise began to shake, move side to side and as I saw outside the window, a huge wave struck the ship. It was all happening again.

Never Give Up

I don’t understand how at 18 society expects you to take life changing decisions when a few months ago you still had to ask permission to leave the classroom. What should I study in college? Is college even necessary?

These were the questions that bounced in my head and left me some nights without sleep. I was 17 years old when I graduated high school and I was currently living in Ecuador. Ironically I was born in New Jersey, but my mom got a job offer when I was 10, and she decided to take me and my brother with her to Ecuador. Going back to the states for college was all I would talk about since I was in freshman year, it was my life long plan, but now that I was months from graduating, I just wasn’t sure. Throughout the time I was in Ecuador, I made a lot of friends, matter of fact I had a more active social life than I did when I was in New Jersey. Going back to the states meant leaving my friends behind, leaving my girlfriend behind, leaving my “new life” behind. So I decided to procrastinate that thought, I said to myself, college in the states is expensive, first years are basic years, I’ll just study  here in Ecuador and then transfer my credits to a 4 year college in the states.

 Now that I decided to postpone my trip, I faced an even bigger dilemma. What career should I study? See the difference between studying in the United States and studying in Ecuador is that in Ecuador you don’t have a major, you pick your career right when you sign up for college, and it better be the one you want, it better be the one you love, because if you withdraw halfway through your career, you start ALL OVER AGAIN. Even though I knew I was going to eventually transfer back to the states, I still felt that pressure. I knew many people that were closer to reach their 30s and were in Junior or sophomore year of college, because they initially chose the wrong career, and withdrew half way, and so they had to start all over again. I certainly didn’t want this to be my case. Still to this day I don’t know how or why I chose to study architecture, actually I do. I was in a phone call with my dad, and I told him I’d like to study cinema and multimedia productions, and he said, “You have to study something that’s worth paying for! Something that you know is going to feed you! So your options are basically: Civil Engineering, Architecture, Accounting or any engineering”. When you put it that way, Civil Engineering was too much math, accounting, well both my parents are accountants so I didn’t feel like following their footsteps, and so the only option left was architecture. At first the idea seemed fun, wearing a helmet, drawing house plans, plus my father works for a construction company so I felt I had my life planned. Yes at 17 years old I had exactly planned my life, I would be an architect, work for Turner Construction, drive an exotic car, raise enough money to invest in Wall Street and be a millionaire. The only problem was that being an architect didn’t exactly thrill me, being a millionaire did, but working as an architect was just not what I imagined. I still tried to motivate myself saying I could eventually negotiate deals and work as a contractor in Turner.

 

What actually convinced me was, it didn’t matter what I studied, as long as I was with my friends and my girlfriend, and I could just procrastinate the idea of leaving them, I was willing to study whatever came my way. Needless to say that this was a poor thinking when choosing a career. The following months I consider them as the worse months of my life, an awful first year experience. I was staying up late, sacrificing many hours into a career that I didn’t even like. Consequentially my grades weren’t the highest. And to top it all off, the professors tried to discourage many students due to an overpopulation of students for the same career. They said that this way they made sure that only the best of the best or whoever the saw ¨fit¨ for the career would graduate. And if you did not fit those standards, odds are they would discourage you. I ended up failing my semester, many nights I stayed up and all for nothing. I had an awful first year experience, I didn’t even want to think about college.

I decided to take a break from college for a semester, I started my first business.

 I began selling close as a retail seller. Making trips back and forth from the US. Bringing cloths and technology I was able to triple my initial investments. Matter of fact I began to network myself and even had a business partner. For once in a long time I was beginning to feel accomplished again, feel like I was in the right place at the right time. I started thinking about a business career and how I could officially upscale what I was doing. Numbers were growing and I enjoyed traveling back and forth. I was so deeply into growing my business that I had no time for my relationship. I spent the next 6 months growing my business. It all seemed to go uphill now, I was working, making some capital, investing, making profits, had a business partner and even enrolled in the next school semester. Little did I suspect that my success was temporary.

A couple of weeks before starting my next semester, I ended my relationship. Until today I have no answer on how or why did this happen. It’s one of those questions that you’d rather not receive an answer. Young and in love, I did not take this well at all. My friends did everything they could to try and cheer me up. It had no effect. They took me out to the beach, to parties, tried to make me meet new people. Nothing seemed to work. I had put my goals and dreams into someone to which now I meant nothing. A ghost no part of my past. I took a moment and analyzed, I knew how distracting this semester would be if I did not focus. So I took the next flight back to the states, away from everything I had worked on, away from my friends, my small business, and most importantly, away from the pain.

At 18 years old I had touched rock bottom, experimented my first HUGE failure. All my fears had come to life, my parents were disappointed at me, my girlfriend broke up with me, I was not studying anything, and I left all my friends behind. I was heartbroken, ashamed and depressed. I had just touched rock bottom. I remember rushing to the restroom because I felt sick every morning I lost 10 lb just because I couldn’t eat, and when I tried to eat something, I would just vomit a few hours later. I felt like everything was just a bad dream, like it was not happening to me. Feeling that taste of regret, remorse, loss, FAILURE. I failed school, I failed my parents, I failed my relationship, I failed my friends, I just FAILED. What my friends use to tell me was that failure is a part of life, that this is one of many to come, but that failing is the only way to learn. I thought to myself if this is what failing feels like, I don’t even want to think what my next failure could be.

Life had literally no meaning for the next couple of months. Nothing seemed to cheer me up. I still had a burning desire to succeed, I just didn’t know how. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t sleep. I just felt like a waste of oxygen. The minutes turned into hours, hours into days, and days into weeks. Time was irrelevant. Now I did not create a blog for a pity party, if you can relate to anything here, awesome, if not then thanks for reading. The message I want to get through is that I’m a strong believer that success comes through an enormous amounts of repeated failure. And the best part of hitting rock bottom, is that you can only go up.

January 2^nd 2018, an opportunity knocked at my door, an opportunity that awakened my sleeping entrepreneur spirit. I put myself a target, a GOAL, a personal GOAL, and not only reached it but surpassed it. I started reading and self-developing. Only then I understood that all my results were based on poor decisions, that my mind created emotions, emotions lead to decisions, decisions lead to actions, and actions lead to my results. I have worked 9 months to change my mindset, and will continue working.